I started holding my breath as I shut the door to his room. It was one of those strange anxiety experiences when I could hear myself saying all the things we say before closing the door. Goodnight pumpkin. God loves you and God made you special. Close your eyes and dream of something happy. I love you.
He is a sound sleeper. I told myself. It is still light outside. He will be sound asleep by the time the fireworks start going off.
Do you ever tell yourself something over and over again, hoping that you will believe it is true? Yup, I do.
I was crawling into bed that night and thinking we’ve done it. The fireworks started 30 minutes ago and I haven’t heard a peep. Happy Birthday America and thank goodness for my sound sleeper. It was after I’d settled in when I started to get that itchy, twitchy feeling. (It always comes AFTER I’ve settled in. Never before I am settled and comfortable. That would be entirely too much to ask, I’m sure.)
Josiah. I need to peep in. So I get out of bed and silently walk down the hallway to his bedroom door. I lightly touch the knob and turn it soundlessly and see him laying in bed, clutching his covers with those big wide eyes.
Its so loud, Momma. The noise is so loud. He whispers.
I crawl into his bed and he snuggles in. You keep me safe Momma. It isn’t a question. Its a statement. Its his truth and I am so thankful for that. I hold my sweet, sensitive boy close, feel his breathing, the weight of his head on my chest and we talk for awhile until he finally falls asleep.
To all the Mommas: Trust yourselves. Trust that inner voice pushes you out of bed after you are settled. The one that tells you something isn’t quite right, that your pumpkin isn’t quite right. That voice is you and you know your child. Trust yourself.